As a stippling I had chosen my idols in life like any one else did. They were people who are enterprising, rebellious and who lived to fulfill all their dreams. And not one un-fulfilled dream remained. I was inspired by their lives. I read their autobiographies. And I realized that all of them were rebels and had never given up on their dreams. I wanted to be them. It was then that I drafted a logic in life. To do complete justice to myself and my feelings. I began to conceive that only if I did justice to my dreams can I do justice to my family and friends. This thought was overpowering. And I began to pursue my dreams. I loved myself. I never sacrificed for the sake of others. I wouldn’t let anyone hurt my sentiments. I loved and worshipped myself to an extent that I never classified my desires as good and bad.
If I think ‘this’ it has to be good.
If I think ‘this’ is good, then I should ‘get’ it.
If I get what I want, then justice is done.
That was the logic I invented to keep myself inspiring for more. I had become pertinacious about the use of this logic. I wont deny my joys in life during that age but I will not accept I was without pain. My definition of love is an experience of bliss. And I knew I hadn’t loved myself. Looking back I don’t think I had done justice to others life around me. I was busy keeping myself happy. I was not contended with my logic. My logic seemed glazed, appeared rather dull and was matchless to my definition of love.
Very recently a realization came upon me in a frisson. It had a more profound meaning.
To love ourself, doesn’t mean fulfilling every random thought that crossed our mind. Self control is a greater virtue than justice. Refraining from adopting all thoughts was self control to me. Self control leads to pure thoughts and pure thoughts to joy.